Disappointment is a nuisance. It’s a tiny itch in your guts or in your heart that says, “That thing you attempted just failed.” But a nuisance, by definition, is not a big deal.
Nuisance: (n) one that is annoying, unpleasant, or obnoxious.
Imagine that nuisance occurring time and time again until that little itch digs so deeply under your skin and muscle, straight to the bone, that it becomes a solid ache.
I feel like that degree of severity occurs quickly for me. There is a fuse hovering over a flame that sits on the tip of my tongue, and when a minor inconvenience is thrown at me, I start with a single huff that lights the fuse only centimeters long. It could be from losing a board game. It could be when one particular co-worker ever opens his stupid mouth in the same room as me. It could be the out of body experience as I watch my anxiety reach new, towering heights reducing me to a quivering lump.
This time it was an 11th hour cancellation of a highly anticipated event.
My Tuesday gaming group that is scattered across New Jersey (and one in Georgia) was supposed to meet last night to run a campaign I wrote myself. One thing led to another and we weren’t able to play. I understand; life happens. I don’t blame anyone for my pent up feelings melting me from the inside out like acid. Still, the feeling was there. I spoke, “Okay, I guess we’ll meet next week,” the fuse lit, and I silently burned up.
The question is how does one handle and shift these feelings? They’ve been around a long time and they are a habitual reaction now.
I’m not proud of it. I tell you this with complete honesty because it’s only fair that you understand the person you’re following on this journey of dating this particular hobby. If you don’t know what hobby, go ahead and read my very first post. Also look at the subtitle of this blog.
Well after taking a few deep breaths and only yelling at the cats a few times for crinkling plastic bags and chasing each other, I opened up Google Docs and I started writing. Husband went to bed because of his own frustrating job that has him up before dawn so I had time that was purely my own. Usually that’s a terrifying prospect; my thoughts can be dramatic and hurtful.
Instead, my mind was clear. I plotted for Camp NaNoWriMo, which is only 10 days away. I added and changed elements of the story. Memories spiraled from a decade ago when I first visited this particular universe and sections from the original story that I loved returned to me. Puzzle pieces pressed into place with minimal effort.
That is a feeling I desperately missed.
Still, I wanted a feeling of completion, not just preparation. That was when I opened WordPress and wrote my first post here. So what if its a dramatic fiction about a girl cheating on life with a dream. I can say I put words on a page because I did. I went to bed without the burdens of the day weighing me down. I knew they would return eventually because nothing else in my life was different in that moment. At the very least, I could sleep soundly next to my husband and hopefully find the feeling again tomorrow.
And in Whoville, they say, the Grinch’s fuse grew three times that day!
Perhaps having denied myself time to write for so long–something I really cared about and I clearly wanted in my life–the daily nuisances were able to eat away at me until everything that wasn’t a perfect replacement for my happiness was an active threat against it. Perhaps “do what makes you happy” as my dad always told me and my brothers is really a fine line you tread and you first need to determine what will make you happy.
Money is great. Money is a streamlined form of barter and trade and it allows everyone to obtain necessities and luxuries. Money keeps me clothed, sheltered, and fed. It also buys new games.
But if you’re trapped in a soul-crushing environment just to make a buck, perhaps you’ve let other routes to happiness degrade and its also worn you down. Mind you, the “soul-crushing” element is key here. If you’re happy, then perhaps you’re in a better place than most people. If you’re happy AND making money from it, bless you!
Perhaps. I’m not a shrink.
Just let me know if I’m suddenly a much more pleasant person to be around once I make this hobby into my new habit.